Call me a Luddite or worse, but the Google Car, a prototype of which was just unveiled to great fanfare among those who hate to drive—who might even hate to live!—is a thing to be feared. How ironic that those too timid for the dust and heat of the open highway have finally created the perfect device with which to torment the self-determined. The autonomous automobile is here to steal our freedoms and turn us into soft-brained, incapacitated jelly people on the road to an Idiocracy event horizon. Here are five reasons why the Google Car will make slaves of us all:
1. What are you going to do with all that extra downtime now that your car drives itself? Spend more time with the kids. Catch up on reading. Learn a foreign language. That’s an utter load of crap, and you know it. This car exists because Google thinks you can’t be trusted to drive while not texting. And you will confirm its prejudices by frittering away your travel time on work e-mail, UpBuzzNovaWorthyHub, and Candy Crush Saga. Your life will become exponentially worse.
2. Look at it. It looks like a nice little koala. But koalas are not nice. From KoalaExpress.com: “Males express territoriality during the breeding season, bellowing and grasping the base of a tree while rubbing their chest against it, thus leaving a scent marking with their chest gland.” This is what the Google Car will do to you. It’s always breeding season in Mountain View.
3. This is not a car. It’s a tracking device, recording your every move. The most benign function of this vehicle will be to deliver an endless stream of advertising messages.
4. When there is one Google Car, all must be Google Cars. The rise of roadgoing artificial intelligence means the liabilities presented by an actual human making their own, human-like decisions will be too much for society to bear. Traditional cars can’t exist in that ecosystem. Buy that M3 now while you can still insure and drive it, and while you still have the will to live.
5. It will crash. And then what?
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